The Quiet Concert: Thoughts for Thursday (11)

Jan

2014

Thoughts for Thursday (11) - 20-Something and Single

Welcome to Thoughts for Thursday! This feature is our outlet to talk with you about whatever we currently have on our minds. It might be bookish, it might not! Now for this week's thought:

20-Something and Single

I said I would get personal in 2014 so here goes...

I am about to turn 25 and I am single and this is something that seriously stresses me out. I am surrounded by people that are either married, engaged or in a stable long-term relationship and I can't help but feel like I am behind in the game. I feel this pressure to be on the road to marriage and I'm no where close. I am meeting so few people even date-worthy that my relationship status has little to no hope of changing any time soon. And I feel like this is only going to get harder as I get older. I feel time passing like this huge weight on my shoulders.

I guess the million dollar question is if I want to be in a relationship and the answer is yes, and not just because I feel like I should be. But I am not willing to settle for fear of dying alone with cats. At least not yet. Admittedly, I could try harder. But I am trying. I am dating and keeping an open mind. But since my normal routine/circle of friends is not bringing me into contact with new guys, it's getting to that point where I am forced to step out of my comfort zone and I need to decide how far I am willing to go to meet new people. Like, is it time to try online dating?

I just feel so discouraged. I hate that it feels like my only options are to stay single or put myself in a situation I don't want to be in in hopes of meeting someone. I tell myself that I am still young and have lots of time but I can't help but still worry. I don't think I should just wait around for the unlikelihood that I will stumble upon Mr. Right. This is the one part of my life that I am unhappy about that I can't just easily fix.

And maybe it's just my paranoia, but I feel like people think something is wrong with me when I tell them I am single. Maybe I am biased, but I don't think anything is wrong with me. It's just really hard to meet people. That.. and I am kind of a homebody.

I apologize if I sound ranty or silly and I hope I don't offend anyone. I am just putting myself out there and sharing something about my personal life that maybe some of you can relate to. I barely had the courage to post this.

If anyone understands how I am feeling or has some happy endings to share, I'd love to hear from you!

Comments (23)

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Ginger @ GReads! · 584 weeks ago

Nicole, I know where you are girl. Add about 7 years & that is me. Yup, I'm 32 and single and it is HARD. I want to be with someone, married, and settling down, too. But, like you, I refuse to settle. And maybe that's why I am still single now. But I've come to learn that I'd rather be happy with myself than miserable with someone else. I could tell you all the things everyone says (and yes, it's usually people in relationships or married that will say this to you first).. about how you'll meet the right person, he's out there somewhere. Yes, it's true. You most likely will. But it's not that easy. I get discouraged sometimes when my married friends try and make it sound like finding someone to date at this age is easy. Because it is not. Unfortunately the older we get, the harder it becomes. I'm sounding real positive here, haha. But I just wanted you to know that you're not alone in your feelings. They hold truth and I completely understand where you're at.

I've tried online dating. It's not horrible. Yes, it's scary and yes you have to weed through some idiots to find some decent ones. If you have the patience and you're willing to keep an open mind, then I suggest going for it. Think of it this way, if you're not at least putting yourself out there a little then you're not giving yourself a chance to meet people. I have to remind myself of this, too.
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2 replies · active 584 weeks ago

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Nicole · 584 weeks ago

I've gotten so used to being independent that I don't NEED to be in a relationship but I really want to be. You're right that I need to put myself out there to have a fighting chance, even if it is scary and so far outside my comfort zone. People keep telling me to join a gym or that I need to get out more and I guess I could do both of these things but my time is so precious as it is. But I guess finding someone take priority and if that's what I have to do...But It IS hard. And dating seriously sucks.

I am gad you didn't sugarcoat things and just by understanding your words are a comfort to me. I wish it was a happier topic we could commiserate over. It sounds like you have a healthy attitude about being single and dating and I sincerely hope that you find someone who makes you happy soon. I hope we both do.

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jackieleasommers 34p · 584 weeks ago

I'm 32 tomorrow and single too. It sucks, but it's not the end of the world. You're still SO young ... no need to worry quite yet, Nicole!
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Sam · 584 weeks ago

I think this is something that MANY people go through at one point or another. I don't have any personal stories to share, but I just wanted to say that I hope you won't continue to feel discouraged. :) I know how hard it can be to meet people in even ordinary situations, and the worry that comes with that, but I hope you can work out what you want to do and still ensure that you're comfortable. And you are still young. It can be hard to accept it sometimes, especially as that's one of those things that gets repeated all the time, but it's still true. :) I'm glad you shared this post (even if it wasn't easy!), as I know there'll be someone else who can relate.

1 reply · active 584 weeks ago

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Nicole · 584 weeks ago

I think that is where I will start - something that is still putting myself out there but not too far outside my comfort zone. And I know I have time I am just a worry wort and the worrying is going to keep getting worse. :/

Thank you for taking the time to comment and share kind words. :)

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Celine · 584 weeks ago

I'm not nearly in the same situation as you (as I'm only 19), but I do know people that are feeling like you do. Meeting someone is hard. But it's important not to change who you are. It's good to step outside of your comfort zone once in a while (it'll make you feel accomplished too), but don't go too far. If for example, you're not a bar-hopping kind of girl, and you meet a guy while bar-hopping, how big are the chances that you'll be compatible? His idea of a good time will be going out every night, while you might prefer staying in. (Not trying to project anything on you, just an example (: )

A great place to meet guys in my experience has been friends of friends. They're usually already preapproved (less crazies than on the internet) and you'll have a common ground (the first friend). Other than that I don't have any good advice. I really hope everything works out for you. It must be really hard seeing people around you get married, etc. when you're single and looking. The best of luck! x
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1 reply · active 584 weeks ago

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Nicole · 584 weeks ago

That is an excellent point. The type of guys I might meet bar hoping might not be right for me. But where do the guys who like to stay in go? hah

And I agree that the best place to meet guys is through friends and in that case I might need to extend my friend circle. My closest friends are spread out over a few states right now, since I went to school in Virginia and then moved back home. My best friend who lives near me pretty much has the same circle of friends and is in a relationship with someone who is a few years younger (and his friends aren't an option). But extending my friend circle and meeting more people that way is definitely something I can make an effort to do!

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jenellision 13p · 584 weeks ago

GIRL, I am right there with you-- I turned 25 last August. So many of my friends are in serious, serious relationships or engaged or married with children. It's something I try not to dwell on, but sometimes I feel so... just down because I feel READY to love and commit myself to the right person, to build a life with them, and I want so badly to be a mother, too.

(I often feel like Charlotte from SATC: http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-b7dINp4arT4/TpOdfReGlXI... )

But meeting people at our age is SO MUCH HARDER than it was in college, etc when we were surrounded by a POOL of appropriate aged people. Bars are either difficult or sketchy and... yeah, it's hard. I do have a few friends who have had success with online dating though!

You're so so not alone.
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1 reply · active 584 weeks ago

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Nicole · 584 weeks ago

I try not to dwell on it either. I try to focus on all the things in my life that I am so grateful for. And I know that I am not alone. But it's also impossible not to feel down every once in a while. Fortunately my friends are really great about it and never make me feel like "that single friend".

Bars are really difficult to meet people in and I never know if I should be going out more or if I am not really missing anything. I do wish I took greater advantage of college!

I wish you all the luck in finding someone!!!

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mel1704 86p · 584 weeks ago

I'm not going to say all these cliched things, because you've probably heard them enough and I don't think they are comforting. I also can't say that I know how you feel, but I can imagine how it must feel like. It sometimes amazes me how awesome girls like you are still single! Not that you need a guy in your life to be successful or completed, but I think we all want to settle down someday.

The only thing I can tell is, when I met my boyfriend it was at an unexpected time in my life. I really thought I'd never be able to find someone and I was in a bad period when it came to loving myself - but there he was! What I want to say is, that he will come. Perhaps when you don't expect it at all :) So yeah.. I hope this is a little helpful, haha.

1 reply · active 584 weeks ago

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The Quiet Concert 59p · 584 weeks ago

That's usually how it works, isn't it? When you give up, or stop looking - there he is! The only problem with that logic is - do I stop trying then? I do think I will find someone, I haven't lost all hope yet hah. I just hope it's sooner rather than later. I want to start that next chapter in my life!

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Kay · 584 weeks ago

Huge props for talking about something so personal, great start on your 2014 goals! You are not weird or anything for feeling this way. Almost 25 is still young though, try to remember that. I know I'm married but I have a couple of other friends that are single and around your age and are having the same problem, so you are not alone. I'm not sure how much advice I have for you, but just hang in there! I have heard some good things about online dating and some not so good things. It would be so hard to go outside your comfort zone, I have that same problem with pretty much anything. I hope you find a nice man soon, I can't understand why you would be single since you are so awesome.
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1 reply · active 584 weeks ago

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The Quiet Concert 59p · 584 weeks ago

Aww thank you Kay! I think I am going to hold off on online dating for a little longer since I do still have time and I'll just try to be more active about going out and meeting new people. Between work, school and generally being a homebody, I don't get out THAT much. So it's probably a good place to start and not really outside of my comfort zone.

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bookrockbetty 47p · 584 weeks ago

<3 i wish i had more words of wisdom. i have a lot of friends in the same boat and it is definitely hard to meet people. what about starbucks? there are always hot guys at starbucks. take a book and take your pick. ;) i think the gym is a good idea too. i know online dating probably seems weird, but i do have a couple of friends that had luck doing that! one of them ended up marrying the guy!! -- but they never tell anyone how they met. LOL

BUT.. while you are single, enjoy it! focus on your goals and all the things you can do while you are still super independent! i got married young and had kids fast.. wouldn't change it for anything, but at times wish we would have waited a little longer! you'll find your guy. you're too awesome not to.
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1 reply · active 584 weeks ago

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The Quiet Concert 59p · 584 weeks ago

I think the gym is a great idea but I love my current workout routine which I can conveniently do from home so I'd hate to spend money and time on a gym membership. Maybe I can take a workout class though, that might be a good medium! And I am going to scope out some Starbucks in my area hah!

And that is a very good point! While I am single I should take advantage of it and focus on some personal goals.

Thanks Betty! <3

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Goldie · 584 weeks ago

Ahhhh relate to everything. It's really sad. And I always wonder if there are still good, single, marriageable men out there for us.
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1 reply · active 584 weeks ago

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The Quiet Concert 59p · 584 weeks ago

That's part of my worry! Any new guys I generally come in contact with are either married or in a relationship! The longer I have to wait the more guys that get snatched up hah.

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Pam@YA Escape · 584 weeks ago

I know you probably don't want to hear this, but you are so young! But I do know that it's harder to meet guys after college. This probably won't help, but I do have a couple of friends who were in the same position and it seemed like they met someone when they had basically given up and weren't really looking. Weirdly enough, both met their future husbands when they were traveling...and one lives in Florence, Italy now because he was Italian!

And I agree with Betty, enjoy being single!!
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1 reply · active 584 weeks ago

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The Quiet Concert 59p · 584 weeks ago

Another excuse for me to travel! And truthfully, I've had enough of being single. I am so ready to start a new chapter of my life! You do tend to meet people when you least expect it but if I don't try and I don't meet someone for a while, I feel like I am wasting more time. It's hard....

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Estelle · 584 weeks ago

I like what Betty said about taking advantage of being single and reading toward other things you want in your life. I always have this theory that while one thing doesn't seem fulfilled in your life right now, there is something that is. Ugh. I wish I had something better to say. I do agree with putting yourself out there (in a way that you are comfortable) because you never know what's going to happen or who you are going to meet. But on the other hand I think when you least expect it someone will come into your life. But do not do NOT let anyone make you feel unworthy or like something is wrong with you because you are not following some direct path. There really isn't one right way to do anything, and the people who believe that ... I just, I can't even. I might be married but I have dealt with a lot of that close mindedness and I just don't understand it. We are all different people and are not going to do things the same way or in the same order. You have to do what's right for you, and make sure you are happy. THIS FIRES ME UP. Anyway, sending you lots of hugs. I know the right thing will happen for you! (And kudos to you for being so open about this. I love it.)
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1 reply · active 584 weeks ago

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The Quiet Concert 59p · 584 weeks ago

It's a good theory. I might be single and unhappy about it but I have so much else in my life to be thankful for and I am happy with where I am at otherwise. And it is a shame that I have to deal with crap from people who don't understand. A relative recently told me that it's my fault for choosing my career over love WHICH IS SO NOT TRUE so I turned it around on her and I asked her to give me an example of when I have ever said no to love? I might focus on my career while I am not dating someone but work doesn't get in the way of anything. I am by no means a workaholic! So frustrating. But other than her, I mostly just hear things from people at work or school - not anyone close to me.

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inspiringinsomnia11 24p · 584 weeks ago

I'm OLDER than you - I won't say exactly how much right here, but I can assure you it's more than a little! :) This probably isn't what you want to hear, but I think the twenties are specifically FOR being single. You have lots and lots of great years coming up, and they WILL involve dating! I also think that when you really desire something, others can sense that, and in the case of men, that's not always the best thing. I don't know how you can "fix" that, though; it's certainly not like turning a switch. And just remember that there are many people who are a bit older than you who are married with kids and who envy single people. Not all of them, of course, but for many people, the grass is always greener...

About the paranoia about people thinking there is something wrong with you for being single - I cannot imagine people would ever think this about someone who is 24!!! I'm almost hesitant to add this next part, because I don't want to reinforce that belief, but I think you'll see why I'm saying it. Several years ago, two of my girlfriends said that when they were married, they felt like they were part of some special club. As someone who has been single forever, I was shocked. Was this how all married people felt??? But notice I said - they WERE married. Married (and both were unhappy during the majority of their short marriages) and divorced before they were 30. I can't help but wonder if it's only unhappily married who think this way? It seems that people who are happily married (or in a committed relationship) wouldn't think to look down on single people like that.

And now I'll get preachy for a moment, so bear with me... If you have people in your life who are making you feel badly about where you are in your own life, you should question whether the problem is actually that person instead, because that's not how friends should make you feel. But it sounds like it's also possible that you may just be imagining it. I hope that's the case!
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1 reply · active 584 weeks ago

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The Quiet Concert 59p · 584 weeks ago

It's not close friends making me feel this way. They are all supportive and by no means make me feel like "that single friend". Instead it'll be that random person at work or that I met somewhere and they'll go "So are you single or married or in a relationship" and I'll respond "I'm single" and then they'll continue "Oh, so did you recently get out of a relationship then?" and I'll respond "Nope.." and then they'll sit there with this puzzled expression like they can't quite figure me out "But you're dating someone now?" "Ehh, not really". *Awkward silence* And they are fully aware of my age.

I do feel like there is this movement back towards getting married young. But I also think it happens to be who I'm surrounded by. I feel mature for my age, and can probably say the same for many of my close friends and maybe those are the type of people to settle younger? Just speculating...

And even though I want to be in a relationship I am not desperate to be in one or willing to settle so I would hope I wouldn't give off the wrong vibe to men...